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Artist's Core

Forum pentru arta. In special scris, literatura, rpg. Fuck this mental prohibiton.


    Porcelain Prison.

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    RawAnon

    Mesaje : 13
    Data de inscriere : 22/04/2012

    Porcelain Prison.

    Mesaj  RawAnon la data de Dum Apr 22, 2012 9:44 am

    Day 1. "I hate every cell, from my head to my feet."
    Ok, this isn't day one. I still think that day one was in the last year's spring when I took a little bag of herb pretzels and a bottle of water and tried to puke it all. My mom walked in on my and I was like: Moving along, there's nothign going on here.
    Still, she didn't suspect a thing.
    I've never been this triggered before. Today I ate a croissant and juice, but I puked it right after. I'm so afraid that that still counts. I've drank a lot of loss weight tea. Does it ever end ?
    I just can't think I can resist the urge to jump over the fucking window.
    But I don't have the guts to do it .
    Failure.

    That's what I am.
    __________________________________________________________________________________________________________
    Current weight: 106 lbs.
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    RawAnon

    Mesaje : 13
    Data de inscriere : 22/04/2012

    Re: Porcelain Prison.

    Mesaj  RawAnon la data de Lun Apr 23, 2012 4:29 am

    Day 2. "Take what you want, cause I've got nothing."
    I could manage this, I probably thoguht. What the FUCK was I thinking?! I want to bitchslap the past me so hard right now! i don't even know what I regret the most; the day i fell in love with the knife or the day i shoved my hand to the back of my throat.
    Oh, how I wish, I wish I'd be one of them, of those gorgeous, skinny, head-tossing girls that made me want to scream inside my soul :
    Why, you so-called God, why you pathetic old bastard, why do you still do this to me? Listen to my damn wishes, or else I swear to everything I'll kill you again!
    I never do, though. I shut up and smile like I know I'm a nice, good girl, who never thinks about murdering everyone ending with herself.
    Sometimes I feel like no one really knows me.
    Sometimes I feel like no one really knows me. Like I'm some enigma that no one gives a shit to understand. Like no one can ear how hard I cry when I smile. Like no one fucking can see me.
    Mom, Dad, look at me. I'm invisble. Slap me now, call me names while you think i'm not there.
    Maybe tomorrow I'll just die. I'll do my homework, I'll go to private classes, I'll dress in my cute girl pijamas and I'll go to sleep with an inner prayer. "Maybe tomorrow I'll just die. Maybe I'll never wake up, maybe a car will run me over in my way to school, maybe I faint and hit my head to dead."
    And I'll smile, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath, saying "Oh, God, please hear at least that."

    __________________________________________________________________________________________________________
    Current weight: 106 lbs.
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    RawAnon

    Mesaje : 13
    Data de inscriere : 22/04/2012

    Re: Porcelain Prison.

    Mesaj  RawAnon la data de Mar Apr 24, 2012 4:29 am

    Day 3. "You make the sound of laughter, and sharpened nails seem softer."
    I didn't weight myself today. And that is certainly strange, but I just didn't want to relapse. I almost did it (relapsing). I was standing next to some delicious red pears, and I smelled them until I started sobbing. But they remained uneaten. It wasn't even abour calories (a pears is like 30 kl or so?) but just that I was terrified to breake my fasting. Anyway, my stomach is like: rawwwwrrrr growwwwl. I bet it thinks I'm a selfish bitch. I bet I am. A selfish, proud of herself, bitch. I swear to Got if I keep my fasting untill saturday I'll love myself. At least a little bit more ... .
    Though, untill now, today hasn't been so bad. My mom left me alone because I promised her I'll eat tomorrow. There's always a tomorrow, can't she see that yet? I'm afraid she'll suddenly see through all my empty lies. And when that happenes, I'll be fucked as fuck for sure.
    I just don't wanna recover yet. I'm not sick. I'm fine. I'm just fine. I'm not sick. And above all that ...
    I AM NOT SKINNY YET!


    __________________________________________________________________________________________________________
    Current weight: 106 lbs.
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    RawAnon

    Mesaje : 13
    Data de inscriere : 22/04/2012

    Re: Porcelain Prison.

    Mesaj  RawAnon la data de Mier Apr 25, 2012 3:55 am

    Day 4. "If it can't be my design, tell me where we draw the line... "
    Okay, this is getting weird. I didn't weight myself today also. What the fuck is wrong right with me? Recovery, maybe ?
    Hell no. Though I ate today, because that was my plan. 96 hours of fasting and then it's over. Still, if my mom haven't had force me to eat, I would have probably kept the deal. So there it goes :
    Intake: 2 small slices of black diet bread, 1/2 cup of diabetic cream cheese. I'll also eat a small salad with tomatos and cucumbers with the rest of the cup and few mini diet cheese slices.
    So how many calories is it? 200-250 tops, can't be more than that for sure. In fact, it may be even less. So it's not that bad. Sure, I ate, but at least I did it like a fucking rabbit. Never been a calorie freak, sadly. But I have to learn them by the heart so I don't need google & shit to check how many I ate.
    Outake: I'll go running by evening, and I'll burn for sure 300-400 calories or something.
    It may sound like a lot, but in fact it doesen't take more than 15-20 minutes and you can even take breathing breakes. If you get used to that burning lungs feeling and that "Shit I run too slow" feeling, and that "Oh no people will see me in spandex!" feeling, it gets pretty cool. Hope it'll get colder outside.
    So that's pretty much it. I'm certainly more ok than yesterday, though I'd lie if I say I'm happy or not hungry. Still starving, but at least I won't pass out. (hope so!)
    I really don't want to pruge, but that little pieces of diet cheese I ate keep taunting me. "Don't purge, they couldn't me more than 80 calories, don't purge." though, I wish I hadn't eaten them.
    __________________________________________________________________________________________________________
    Current weight: 106 lbs.(but the sad truth is that I could be either 110lbs, either 102, since I didn't weight myself in two damn days!)
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    RawAnon

    Mesaje : 13
    Data de inscriere : 22/04/2012

    Re: Porcelain Prison.

    Mesaj  RawAnon la data de Joi Apr 26, 2012 4:33 am

    Day 5. "All these voices singing skinny, all my monsters yelling skinny. Die to fit that new bikini."
    I purged. I fucking purged. Purged. All of it.
    Oh good Jesus, I don't even know what to say. Fuck.my.life. Why did I purge? Sweet holy fuck, I shouldn't have. I should've done some sit ups or some jumping jacks or call someone.
    There goes the trick: I had no one to call. I still don't. And wanna know the worse of it all? It's not that I puked, but I puked diet things. ULTRA diet things. Mega fucking extra diet things. Oh, my. I'm such a ... . At least I didn't binge, praised be the Lord. For normal people ,there's no diffrence in either you binge and you purge or you just purge a normal meal, but in fact, it's EVERTYTHING.
    When you binge, the risk of leaving something inside reamains. When you binge, you have to purge for hours. When you binge, it's more dangerous to pruge.
    So I'm glad i didn't binge. Yay for me anyone ? No one?
    Yeah, I thought so.
    But it wasn't my fault - does that count? It's my mom's. Oh, gosh, how horrible sounds that. I'll just shut the fuck up before I get even more pathetic. Long story short: she yelled at me for not eating enough when I ate 300 calories, and I just got pissed of. Stupid reason to purge, I know. One of the stupidiest.
    Anyway, there it goes.
    Intake: 2 small slices of black diet bread, 1/4 cup of diabetic cream cheese. Diabetic apple juice.
    And obviously, home-made soup and the rest of the cream cheese, which I can't count because they're not mine now, they're toilet's.
    Fuck, fuckity, fucker. It's less than yesterday. I know I should be glad, but I'm really not, becuase yesterday between four o'clock and betime (which was like 1 or 2 in the night) IS T A R V E D. Imagine what will be today. Oh Gods be good, I don't even want to think. I've might aswell fasted today, the hunger is still the same. Crap.
    Skip to the goods part, how many calories would be that? 150, there's no way in the gloomy hell it would get past that. I'd lie If I'd say I'm not smiling like The Cheshire Cat right now.
    Outake: I hope I'll find the strength to go running and burn 200, 300 calories, though I have some work at 7 and half PM that takes about two hours. So it's either before that, which I poorly consider, either after that, which I even more poorly consider. Perfect. Fucking Perfect.
    Conclusion : obviously, I purged. I purged every bit of a diet, low caloried, healthy meal. My mind is full of fuck. But you know what? I'm not even sad.
    __________________________________________________________________________________________________________
    Current weight: 104 lbs.(deserves the guilt, doesen't it?)

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    RawAnon

    Mesaje : 13
    Data de inscriere : 22/04/2012

    Re: Porcelain Prison.

    Mesaj  RawAnon la data de Vin Apr 27, 2012 4:13 am

    Day 6. ""No one cares unless you're pretty or dying. Well, you say I'm both. So where's the caring?""
    Hello there. Still alive?
    Yeah, me too. So today I decided to starve myself as a punishment for the mini-binge i did yesterday. I have to say that it's not that easy as it went on days 1-3, have no idea why. My tummy hurts and I really feel light headed. The bad part is that I can't even pick up something on the floor, because I tire.
    How the hell am I suposed to run ?
    No. Stupid question. I'll do it. If I want to have gap thigh, collar bones, hip bones, showing ribs, I'll do it. I will fucking do it, until I colapse on the road and the world will step over me like over a dying carpet.
    But I'm so hungry.
    No. I won't say that. I just won't. Admiting it is the first, glorious step for relapsing. And swear to God, if I relapse today too I'll kill myself. I think I'll make a list with the foods I'd love to eat and with the foods I'll b/p tomorrow (fuckcantwait). I know it's torture, but it's all I have.
    My beautiful, loial, torture.
    __________________________________________________________________________________________________________
    Current weight: 104 lbs.(FAT.)


    Ultima editare efectuata de catre RawAnon in Sam Apr 28, 2012 11:05 pm, editata de 1 ori
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    RawAnon

    Mesaje : 13
    Data de inscriere : 22/04/2012

    Re: Porcelain Prison.

    Mesaj  RawAnon la data de Sam Apr 28, 2012 11:04 pm

    Day 7. "Bloody hands don't compare to bloody minds, when happiness and death collide."
    I know I'm a day late, loves. I'm anorexic and bulimic, not retarded. Anyway, so even though it's Sunday, I'll refer to the day like it was present. So there it goes.
    Today I had my yearbook photoshoting sesion, with makeup & dressup & shit. Profesional, in a word. It took four hours or so, but I mostly waited. My turn took about an hour, which was the longest and the hardest to make from all my colleague's sesions. I was "so natural,jesus" (his words). And it was quite the effort, because I was starving. I felt so light headed on my fifteen cm heels, that I clinged to that camera obiective and smiled.
    First, there was the outside take, dressed with a short flyfly skirt, and a no-sleeves blouse. And I looked so fat, so incredible fat! I was about to cry - a histerya fucking break down. Swear to god, if they put one of those photos in the yearbook, I'mma murder'em.
    But then there was the inside take, in a very chic and bohemian caffe, wearing a short skirt and a long lace top, with a leather jacket. Silver jewels. Smokey eyes. Blood-red lips.
    Bitch, please! I looked amazing (don't ask how is that possible). Anyway, so this guys, the photographer and the caffe manager, called me for a new photoshoot, just me and them. (without the rest of the class) The sesion would take six or seven hours and I'd have a lot of clothes and I'd pose in thousand of positions.
    I said yes without I'd even blink. So triggering. So. Fucking. Triggering.
    Now I have to lose even more weight. More, more, more. Always more. Untill I'm skin and bones.
    __________________________________________________________________________________________________________
    Current weight: 104 lbs.(not enough.)
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    RawAnon

    Mesaje : 13
    Data de inscriere : 22/04/2012

    Re: Porcelain Prison.

    Mesaj  RawAnon la data de Lun Apr 30, 2012 2:42 am

    Day 8. "I'm gonna shed me some skin, get me real real slim, I want to feel my bones on your bones baby."
    A day late again. I know, I know, hold your horses. But this is the last duality, I swear. After I post this & day 9, I'll be in line again.
    So today I started with a perfect diet meal; cucumbers and tomatoes with cottage cheese and diet crackers. And green tea. After that I went running. Everything went perfect untill had to go out to a formal meal where I binged on chinese food and ice cream. Binged and Puked. Puked it all. So no regrets, huh ? You would say.
    After that (couple of hours) we had to go out to see some stupid town parade, where I binged on Quatro Formaggi pizza and coke. Again, puked it all.
    Obviously starving and with a gross feeling of dirt, I met some old friends and we watch the fireworks togheter. Not much of a deal, honestly. This day doesen't even deserve to be mentioned, but since I puked three times, it takes some reference.
    Note - not e.d related but definately depresion and suicidal - I read a pretty good book about a girl who kills herself and sends thirteen tapes to the one she was blaming for. Not excelently written, not great story line, but it's sure a good plot idea.
    Finished it all in a night. Not triggered, but made me remind of the times I wanted to do suicide and/or was cutting myself. Pointless. Truly, truly, pointless. If you want to change something, die changing it.
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    RawAnon

    Mesaje : 13
    Data de inscriere : 22/04/2012

    Re: Porcelain Prison.

    Mesaj  RawAnon la data de Mier Mai 02, 2012 6:43 am

    Day 11. "So tell me something that isn't so drastic, my smile is turning to plastic. Mirror mirror on the wall, what's the secret for staying droll?"
    Ok, so day 9 and day 10 (aka Monday and Tuesday) were school free, so I just chilled at home in the sun, watched T.V shows and slept. Relaxing. Mediumly eating (which is a victory, since I was on my period), puked once or twice. No exercises (truly ashamed, but couldn't run/swim/work out from obvious reason mentioned before). So that would be it, really useless to post something about those days. That's why I skipped them.
    Moving on, this is day eleven. Woke up really depressed, tired, and completely unready for school. Started a great book though, readed it in breaks and kept me through the day. I think - No, I'm sure I gained, but that's life. So today I'm fasting, except some watermelon which is like 10 calories. And I'll go running by evening.
    Talked to that photographwas I talking about in day seven, feeling like a dirty, fatter version of Lolita. Lol, I'll never be a model, I'm too fat to even fit the camera. How comes he does not see that?
    Anyway, he's older and in a relationship and I don't even like him but I'll just flirt along and ruin his life because that's what I do best.
    I'll go do some homework now, study a bit, then go running. Wish me luck to go through the day.
    Fasting plan: Untill Saturday. Two more days to go, hoping for green tea, water and maybe Schweppes.
    Ps: I still feel I haven't said everything, so maybe I'll return with an edit or two. That's it for now, your fat honestly Lolita says by.
    Lol that sounds funny.
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    RawAnon

    Mesaje : 13
    Data de inscriere : 22/04/2012

    Re: Porcelain Prison.

    Mesaj  RawAnon la data de Vin Mai 04, 2012 7:36 am

    Day 13. "Cause I've lost all my faith in this damn bitter strife."
    Ok, yesterday I went to do my blood tests and I got another school-free day because of that, in which again, I chilled and watch T.V. Ate a bit too much, didn't puke, but didn't feel very guilty either. At the hospital I was threatened with hospitalisation, so that pretty much shake my decisions. Another thing, I discovered as I stumbled in some old folders some past creations of mine, and they were pretty cool. Now I have so many ideas, so many unfinshed books. I have to carry on, I just have.
    Today I went to school, math test. Geometry. Not my best but it wasn't tragic either. Then I went to search for a prom dress, and I found it. I'm not the type of girl to start her blod with "OMFG GUYS I FOUND A DRESS FOR MY PROM", but I though it deserve to be mentioned. By the way, it's the smallest size, and I fit all the dresses I tried on. I bought another two fancy dresses, a hair thing, and a necklace.
    So classy. I'm really really happy, though there's a thing happening in my life about I pretend careless, but in fact it's not. It's fun to pretend it doesen't get to me, but it does. Though I have to have the strength to hold on, I'm about to burst in tears and apologize. But I won't do that, I can't do that. My pride won't let, and if there's one thing about my pride, is that she's just as posesive as my disorders. I know I hope that the specified person won't read that.
    Anyway, there it goes.
    Intake: Green tea, home made tomato sup (1 cup), diet sun flower seeds (1 small bag) Maybe the seed were too much, but they kept the hunger away and they are really low-fat. All this is 200, 300 calories top.
    Outake: I'm not sure if I'll run tonight, since I want to write and read, but I'll sure do some serious abs excercises. I'll burn at least 300 calories, though I'll hope for more. If I find the energy to do both: running and work out, I'll most likely burn at least 600-700. Yay for me!
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    RawAnon

    Mesaje : 13
    Data de inscriere : 22/04/2012

    Re: Porcelain Prison.

    Mesaj  RawAnon la data de Dum Mai 06, 2012 10:13 am

    Day 14. "Mother you should watch your girl tonight."
    Okay, since I'm posting this from mobile at some weird our in the deep night, it'll probably appear as posted on Sunday, though I writed it on Saturday. I don't even now if I'll post Sunday, because most likely I'll sleep all day.
    So this day was beyond greatness, and as you well now, that doesen't happen to me a lot. I was really...happy. Well no, not exactly happy, but around it. Which is more than nothing.
    I started the day with jogging, taking a bath, all those chill morning rituals. Then I went shopping for groceries because a friend (guy friend, if it is to be mentioned) was going to come to my place for pizza and movies. What can I say, we ate a lot of junk food. Two kind of chips, waffas, peanuts, ice-cream, pizza, and we drank coke and energy drinks. I puked, obviously, and even though he asked what did I do upstairs I answered with a joke. None of that weird things like vomit in my hair or gross noises appeared, thank the Lord. We watched a horror movie, one i was planing to see a long time ago. Not that scary, but whatever. We really had a great time.
    Then I chilled on Tv show for a bit, but after that I got fancy dressed up and went out with a good friend of mine which is a classmate too, and a common meeting. I got slightly drunk, we went to three clubs or so. We laughed untill we had tears in our eyes, and I even danced, though there was no dancefloor/concert. The sad thing was that, as some may know, no guy looks at you when you're out with another two guys. Tried to get over it, but there were just some hotties that I felt really bad to miss.
    Not that they would like me anyways, but still.
    I don't know what to say. I'm laying in bed trying to fall asleep (apparently energy drinks and vodka aren't a good combination), noting to myself that drunkness makes you sleepy and energy drinks stops you from even closing eyes.
    I probably have thousand of grammar/spelling mistakes on here, but i hope I'll be excused, granting the circumstances. Here I am, slightly drunk, hoping my battery won't fall before posting this. I guess I should try to sleep, even though I'm still dressed up and maked up.
    Gosh.
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    RawAnon

    Mesaje : 13
    Data de inscriere : 22/04/2012

    Re: Porcelain Prison.

    Mesaj  RawAnon la data de Joi Mai 10, 2012 4:39 am

    Day 19. "You're barely breathing, I know, and now it's starting to show."
    I'm a terrible person, I know. I haven't posted in what - five days? Gosh, not that you'd care so much, but still. It's for me. Anyway, so I'm back, I really didn't have the time. Long stories short, the school isn't going on so well since I fasted monday thursday wensdey tuesday, though I thought I'd manage it all. I have my semestrial exam at Math on Monday and I have to eat, or if I get dizzy/stomach aches/hand trembling I'd so screw it up.
    Today was my fourth fasting day, though I ate things in the past days, things which I puked. I felt uber bad today at school, really about to faint, and I can't remember if I ever felt that bad. Ever. But I didn't go home, I just stayed there and took it all. It's no one's fault, after all, but mine. Anyway, now I feel better without a reason, which is good because in half an hour I've got my particulars at guesswhat Math.
    I've got some mini audition at a play we do at school, in which I had to take my voice really, really high (thing I was actually good at before I started bulimia), and I sucked at it. Though I've got something right, it wasn't as good as it was expected, and it will never be. My higher voice is screwed forever, and I have to admit it rang an alert in my head. Not that I'd become a singer or something in which I couldn't live without speaking high, but still.
    Anyways. Must not eat. Bye now, I guess. Wish me luck and cross fingers cause I want to go running tonight. Hope I will.
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    RawAnon

    Mesaje : 13
    Data de inscriere : 22/04/2012

    Re: Porcelain Prison.

    Mesaj  RawAnon la data de Vin Mai 11, 2012 5:48 am

    Day 20. “Believe me I won’t stop at nothing, to see it I’ve started running.”
    Wow, that feeling when you post something right after the other post. Haven't felt it in ages. Anyway, so except a missunderstanding at school in which I've gotten an unworthed abscence mark, today was great.
    Haven't eaten anything but sippin' on diet coke. Though I have a sleepover to a friend tonight, so I guess the fasting will stop. Do not ask me how I still manage to have a social life, cause I don't now. Guess they're too blind to see, I supose.
    After school my dad picked me up with his motorbike and we ride and talked for like two hours. I think this is the longest time I've spent with him in months! I'd lie if I'd say I didn't like it, though I have moments in which I'd gladly see him dead.
    I really needed that. So just a bit dizzy, I'm talkin shit and laughin' along. In a few hours I'll go at that friend, and then tomorrow I'll start a very very busy day. Wish me luck :
    A. not to faint.
    B. not to eat.
    C. not to cry.

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